Ok. I can admit it. I’m a cynical and sarcastic high school teacher at times. To prove this, I have prepared all of my snarky answers, which I can’t say, but would absolutely love to do so from time to time:
Student:”What’s my grade?”
Me: “Who cares? If you don’t know, it’s not that important to you. I want you to learn, not try to acquire points.”
S: “I forgot my homework.”
Me: “You’re fired!”
S: “What’d I get on the final?”
Me: “You should’ve known when you took it. Did you know the answers?”
S: “Did you finish the grades?”
Me: “When my grades are posted, you’ll know I’m done grading.”
S: “Did we do anything important while I was gone?”
Me: “No, we took a holiday because you weren’t here; we didn’t want you to miss anything. Of course, we did something important! Otherwise, we wouldn’t have done it.”
S: “I’m going to be gone tomorrow. Will I miss anything (important)?”
Me: [See above but put in future tense.]
S: “Can I turn the assignment in tomorrow? [Enter excuse here.]”
Me: “No. I want it today. That’s why today is the deadline. If I wanted it tomorrow, that would’ve been the deadline. By the way, you’re fired!”
S: “Can I have some extra credit to boost my grade?”
Me: “No. There are two types of students who ask for extra credit: those who won’t do it and those who don’t need it. Besides, the entire idea of extra credit is ludicrous. It means you didn’t do what you were supposed to do and don’t deserve it.”
S: “Is it ok if I [enter way to break a rule here]?”
Me: “No. If you had to ask, you know it’s not ok. And now, you’re fired!”
S: “What do I have to do to pass? I just want to pass.”
Me: (Sigh) “Fulfill the requirements as stated on the hand-out you just received. Don’t strain yourself while you’re at it.” (Oh, man! He’ll be put in charge of something important some day–probably my pension.)
S: “I just want to do the best I can. I just want to learn.”
Me: (Almost black out) “You get it. You understand why you’re here. But, sorry to say, you’re fired! You might take my job.”
